Sir Markus - the sheriff of Nottingham... um, er, the Sheriff of Pittsburgh.Bit parts, cameos, walk-ons, and extras:
Thor - an itinerant weatherman.
Terry - a frequent visitor from the Middle East. Or was that a frequenter of Middle Eastern restaurants. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Gary - a heavy hitter from the north.
Fred - a wizard from the East, known for using archaic wooden implements to cast his spells.
Dave - mild-mannered reporter for the RSG-Ohio news, and narrator of this tale.
Roger - the sheriff's father.
Chris - the sheriff's son.
Mike - the gymnastic friend of the sheriff's son.
Bryan - a local squire, and the sheriff's deputy.
The Other Chris - a voice on the telephone.
The Starter at Butlers - the court jester.
Kenny G - plays sax fast, plays golf slow.
Forked-Tongued Serpent in the parking lot of the Rib Crib.
Yet Another Chris - a waitress at Cedarbrook.
Tiger Woods - at his appearance fee rates, we could only afford a one-frame cameo. You will see him subliminally.
|Sir Markus kicks off the campaign with a birdie on the difficult first hole of the Red Nine. The Red Nine is an army of opponents who are truly worthy adversaries. Sir Markus accomplishes his feat by superb long-distance marksmanship rolling his putt.||Gary, Dave, and
the sheriff succeed in vaulting the moat that protects the Red Seventh.
Gary and Dave vanquish Red Seventh, with the sheriff providing backup.||Sir Markus repeats his birdie feat in a later battle against the Gold Nine. This time he ambushes their eighth flag from behind a tree. Thor uses the occasion to question their adversaries' courage by calling them the Yellow Nine.|
|1 Note the ancient wooden tools for which he is known.||After a brief stop for rest and nourishment -- well, OK, buffalo wings anyway -- the main characters take on the Blue Mountains.||The afternoon campaign begins badly for Fred, Roger, and Dave. On the Blue First, a triple-bogey wins the skin outright.|
|But they settle down and do OK after that -- even very well for a stretch.||After the Blue Mountains are conquered, a small party (Gary, Fred, Thor, and Terry) return to the Gold Nine to make sure things are as they left them. They return tired but successful.||The return trip is marked by a contest of the GPS elves employed by Thor and Terry, to see which would find the smallest, most out-of-the-way roads and still not get lost.||Dinner at Woody's. In spite of past efforts here, the victorious army's rejoicing cannot compete in boisterousness with a birthday celebration for an ancient magician at the next table.|
|2||The fourth hole has a very tilted fairway, running down into the woods on the right. Dave hits into those trees, and searches for his ball. Gary, the advance scout, finds the ball for him. In hitting out of the trees, Dave hits into some tall rough, and again Gary helps him find it. After all this help from Gary, Dave actually has a 10-foot par putt. (He misses it. This isn't Hollywood.)|
|4||There is a group ahead that is definitely out of uniform. The most out of uniform is a guy with a tank top, cutoffs, and curls halfway down his back.5 But -- far worse than the dress code violations -- they play slow! That's unforgivable.||Dave is hitting crisp wedges. The best is one from the sand that lands past the flag and backs up -- almost into the hole. Tap-in sand save anyway.|
rations are small. Well, they don't start out that way. There is plenty
of food, but it is nearly inedible. Ribs are tough, and instead of
barbeque sauce they have some sort of off-flavor pasta sauce. Chicken
has the same sauce, but spicy. The doggy bags are full -- but are taken
only by those with doggies at home to feed.|
Avoid the Rib Crib in the future.
|Roger has left for home, but there are reinforcements. Bryan, Chris, and Mike join the merry band.|
Ironically, Chris and Mike -- the two youngest by a lot -- ride in carts, while the rest walk. Oh, sorry. Up until now it has been an infantry campaign; now we have cavalry as well. (That's Chris' story anyway, and he's sticking to it.)
the 12th, Mike becomes a botanist and gives a thorough examination to
every tree on the hole. Toward the end, he misses hitting a tree
solidly (for the first time all hole); he just grazes it, and the ball
continues into I-70, the highway that bisects the course.|
|Two holes later, Mike hits a pull-hook that clears all the trees on the
boundary of the course, clears the eastbound lanes, and lands in the
westbound side of the highway.|
Is he cavalry or artillery?
final hole is an appropriate struggle for the climax of this epic.
350yards, most of it vertical, up the steepest hill you ever saw on a
golf course. (In the winter, they put in a chairlift and #18 is a black
The valiant band of Mike, Chris, and Dave all manage bogey fives and walk away tired but happy.